Sunday, June 27, 2010

How it feels.....

Today I read a pamphlet called, "Infertility - What it feels like" and it got my mind twisting and turning, feelings are so difficult to put into words. And so as I read, agreeing with parts and disagreeing with others, I decided to write my own feelings down.

"You may describe me this way: obsessed,
moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too
serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic,
and cynical."

On the contrary, I feel this way.

ANGRY - Angry at myself, for not being able to bear a child. Angry, every time I see another pregnancy announcement, a newborn child, an accidental pregnancy. Angry at God, for not viewing me as a fit candidate to birth one of his spirit children as my own.

ISOLATED - Everywhere I go, reminders of my infertility haunt. Baby strollers. Pregnant Bellies. Tiny Shoes. New Babies. Diaper Commercials. Families. It is hard to relate how hard it is to see these things with friends, coworkers, and family members who have been blessed with the gift of family. To feel like no one understands how it feels to face the impossible. Lonely.

PAIN - Physically is easy to describe, tests, poking, prodding's, blood work, even treatments are uncomfortable to go through. Hormonal treatments, hot flashes, mood swings, headaches...ohh the headaches.
Emotionally... the emotional pain sometimes turns to physical pain on particularly bad days. Most days it takes a trigger, a newly pregnant friend, a complaint about children, all on top of an already difficult day. In the past two years I have not had too many of these particularly hard days... but when one comes along, it is hard to forget. I have found myself fallen on the kitchen floor, grasping at my heart, feeling the ripping, tearing, unbearable break of my heart, sobbing. I have heard, once, a scream of pain that came from deep within my soul, when a child was lost whom we had planned to adopt.

SELFISH... and Guilty - For avoiding baby showers, for wondering "why her?" For constantly asking "why not me? When will it be my turn?" for saying "congratulations" and not really meaning it.

HOPELESS - After being told we could try for a hundred years, and never fall pregnant, my spirit was shattered. My world was left empty, and without hope. With no stars in my sky, or light at the end of my tunnel.

And after all of that, I still remain THANKFUL. To have had my eyes opened, to the vast and secret world of infertility. To have found support in unlikely places. To realize that there are so many, in all parts of the world who suffer from this silent terror. Our stories may be different, but our pains are the same. I am thankful to have God in my life, to help me carry this weight on my shoulders. For showing me greater patience, understanding, and will than I ever knew I had.